As all stormtroopers know, an accident can always happen. A wookie prisoner can suddenly turn violent, a Dia Noga can grab you when you're working in one of the garbage containers, you can stumble and fall during combat when you're not paying attention for a second (see picture on the right).

Therefore, stormtroopers will be happy to know that the Empire has just ordered a new type of medical droids. These small, circular droids are actually modified interrogation droids.  The first ones have already been in operation for a few weeks now.
 
 

THE NEW MEDICAL DROID	YOU BUMPED YOUR HEAD? THIS WILL CURE YOU!

Grand Moff Tarkin is "very pleased" with the results. "These new medical droids are fantastic. What usually happens is that Stormtroopers find all sorts of excuses for not fighting or working. They bump their head on purpose, they refuse to walk when they get shot in their leg, they start crying as soon as a wookie breaks one of their arms. That's where our new medical droids are very effective. With their great experience in the field of torture and interrogation, they scare most of the Stormtroopers so much, that they immediately go back to work again, without any trouble!" Expect to see these new droids flying all over the place in the next couple of months.

The Stormtroopers went on strike recently because the Death Star management refused them to see the newly restored Light-Side propaganda movie "The Phantom Menace".

This old movie, that plays about forty years ago, tells the violent story of two annoying Jedi Knights going on a mission to save the Galaxy from the so-called "threat" of the friendly Neimoidians. It also shows me, Darth Vader, as a young boy called Anakin. However, the movie contains nothing but lies. It tells people that I was actually a very NICE boy when I was young. It also shows the failure of the Neimoidians in their LEGITIMATE blockade of the planet Naboo, and portrays them as nervous, easily scared, incompetent aliens. All lies, of course!

"Too violent"
Unfortunately, this old movie was re-released and has proven to be very popular all over the galaxy. That's why the Stormtroopers also wanted to see it. However, our beloved Emperor Palpatine has banned the movie from all imperial theaters. When interviewed by VNN, the Emperor stated: "this movie is much to violent. It's also a shameless propaganda movie for the Light Side of the Force - very dangerous for everyone of us. And most of all, it glorifies the brutal murder by that criminal, Obi-Wan Kenobi, of one of my finest collaborators, the friendly, well mannered, good-humored Darth Maul. This movie is a threat to our Imperial Society!"

No more "Palpatine Our Hero!"
However, the spokesman of the striking Stormtroopers, who wants to remain anonymous, doesn't agree. "We want to see this movie! We don't care if it's too violent. The movie TROOPS was very violent too, and yet we were allowed to watch that one! Here on the Death Star, we never get to see good movies. The Imperial Theater always shows the same boring movies, like "Emperor Palpatine, Our New Hope", "Emperor Palpatine, Our Hero, Strikes Back" and "Return of Emperor Palpatine, Our Hero". It's time for something new!"

IN OTHER NEWS:
SPOKESMAN OF STORMTROOPERS FOUND DEAD

TK-1139, a Stormtrooper who was discovered to be the anonymous spokesman of the Stormtroopers on strike, was found dead in one of the corridors of Death Star Level 4b. He appears to be choked. Imperial Investigators refuse to comment on the situation.

In an unexpected move, the Death Star Management has allowed a special screening of "The Phantom Menace" to resolve the ongoing strike.

In this special version of the movie, offensive material has been removed, and the original ending of the movie has been restored, thanks to advanced computer graphic work.

New ending
The ending of the movie now shows how Darth Maul scares the two Jedi Knights (Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi) so much that they run away!! The movie initially showed how Darth Maul was murdered by Obi-Wan Kenobi, but according to Emperor Palpatine, that never took place: "I can tell you in all honesty, that nobody ever won from a Sith Lord. After the events in the Phantom Menace, Darth Maul retreated on the country side and spent his days as a teacher on an Imperial school". 

Darth Maul in the kitchen
Darth Maul's wife, Darth Mama, now 65 years old, confirms this story: "My husband was always very friendly towards kids. He never lost his temper, and he always helped me in the kitchen to cut the potatoes with his double-ended lightsaber."

• June 1999